live the questions.

i dont know exactly where i’m supposed to go with this.. i dont know even why i’m writing on here. tonight, i had my heart drop out of my chest, along with feeling like the biggest jerk i have ever known, and i think that’s something to write about. i guess i never really understand what impact i have on the people in my life, even the people i haven’t yet met. we really effect more people than we ever stop to think about- each person in our life, they’re changed by us, in one way or another, subconsciously or unconsciously. now, when we put those people out into the world, they’re bound to carry that part they’ve learned from us right along with them, for example, bringing the baggage of us into their next relationship, or assuming a new friend will treat them the same as an old one did. i think i get so scared of what the people around me think of the presence i have, or had, in their life. i want to be a light, i want to be something they can smile about, but too much is making me think it’s the opposite lately. i want to hug you. and i want to make everything okay for you. i left so i wouldn’t hurt you, and by doing that i let you get hurt again. now i’m back there, feeling so horrible, and so guilty, because i care about you. i care about the goof you were around me, the person you’ve become, and the future i see in your eyes. i want everything to go better for you, because you deserve it the most. i hope you find it, or her, or whatever it is that wraps your soul with passion. don’t ever let yourself feel bad for feeling as if you need someone to hold you at night to make you feel whole. that is how we’re made. we were made to search for that someone to fall in love with forever. you can’t feel bad for something you were programmed to be.. so breath, your young and life is waiting.. and remember, that you’ll always be a light for me. 

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer”

Waking up this morning I couldn’t fight the immeasurable feeling of yearning. Like a wound, it stings and aches. So fresh that I am just now beginning to notice the heat and pulsating, as steady as my heartbeat, rising from it.  But this gash is so deep, almost immediately my sensations turn numb and deadened. It always happens like this, doesn’t it? As soon as something begins to remind me I am alive, quickly and without fail it is ripped from me and there is never anything I can do to keep it near. I struggle to hold on, my grip becoming so tight that my fingers cramp up and turn white, but it is to no avail. Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to belong and feel needed. That feeling, that blissful and tingling feeling, like when you catch the first winter snowflake on your tongue and in that moment you feel so real and so implausibly ready… Well, that never lasts. Nothing seems to last. Everything changes and I’ve come to understand that not a single thing in life stays exactly how I hope it would, no matter how persistently and adamantly I long for it. And it is trying to cope with the changes and deal with the consistent bite of the unknown gnawing at me that ends up making me wake up, on mornings like this, with feelings like those. I wish so much I could accept it. I wish rather than comfort and familiarity, it was the unknown that I yearned for. That it was the change I went to bed praying to God for every night. And instead of waking up feeling misplaced and restless, I could be thankful for the mystery. Yet, maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe the only thing that makes us real and keeps us ready IS change. We are living permanently in fear of the unknown, that is just how we were made. But… maybe it’s learning to accept and engulf ourselves completely in them, that in turn makes us feel that sense of belonging and realness we crave so stubbornly. Maybe the endless change is the only thing that allows us to feel wholly and truly alive…           

maybe.