back to this place again. where i begin to wonder if the things i’m spending my time on are actually making me happy like i know they should. when am i happy?? with my family, when i spend time outside, while i read a good book, when the paint brush is in my hand doin its thing, when i’m laughing more and worrying less. all of the above are things i’ve been neglecting - too much work, too much over sleeping, too much time spent thinking about you, where you’ve been, where you’re going, and where i fit into that. being happy is not hard. i’ve done it before, plenty of times, but the nostalgic feeling it leaves me with makes me want you and everything that you are even more. i was getting somewhere- i was. i had some things together, and even though you crossed my mind from time to time. daily. i was on my way over it. and i know that you’re a little toxic for me. you craze me. but i find myself stuck in this place where i think it’s better to feel consumed with all the we are (aren’t), than to go through my day without you completely. however, this sounds redundant. and the wonderful words you speak so effortlessly are becoming redundant. or maybe it’s this constant haze of confusion you put me in that has become so fucking redundant. y.o.u. are unrepeatable. and as much as i want to be over it and i want to wake up in the morning and go through an entire day without thinking of us, it scares me to let go when i’m the only one holding on. but it hurts too much to be carrying this story of us around so delicately.
The things you struggle with today are things you choose to struggle with.
Because you believe that what you want to accomplish, is worth struggling for.
You keep trying to tell the truth about who you are but you keep changing, every time someone listens.
I’ve found myself clinging to this quote lately. And being smacked in the face with it at the same time. I know at some point everyone feels misunderstood, jaded, disconnected, but this separation has gone on for too long. Every time i meet someone new, every time i think i’ve finally fit the pieces of my life together, every time my soul latches on to something: it’s there. It’s there tapping on my shoulder reminding me that i’m too misunderstood. too far disconnected. and recklessly different. I need something or someone to ally myself with, but i keep confusing people’s pride proclamations with the truth. It’s the truth that simultaneously splits my soul in two and mends it back together. The pride one’s deceive me. They believe it so much that i end up believing it too. For once, i want someone to tell me something raw, something genuine. Something that breaks down the walls i’ve put around my soul once the words leave their lips. I think i know what i want and what i need, but i feel like i’m always chasing someone else’s approval in some way. I think i want so badly to find a way to relate. But maybe what i really need is to trust myself. without anyone else matching my thoughts and my desires. without anyone telling me the kind of soul i have and hoping for once it’ll click, and i’ll believe it. Maybe i need to stop searching for some kind of counterpart to help me forge my path, and just take a leap.